Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
