I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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