This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
