you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
