He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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