The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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