I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
