I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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