I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
