that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
