How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
