We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
