I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
