The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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