She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
