My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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