WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
