i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
