sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
