I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
