There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
