In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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