Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...