I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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