What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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