Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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