so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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