u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
