this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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