my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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