Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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