When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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