Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
