yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
