just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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