how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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