I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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