so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's always time for handjobs
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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