I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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