I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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