They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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