allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
