god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
