Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he was CRYING into my vagina
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
