god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
