After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Of course I have a pirate flag
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
