I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
