I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
