and you said cock pushups were impossible
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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