I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
