It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
