Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
