Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she looked like the before picture.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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