yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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