I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
