literally had 100 drinks last night.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
