How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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