My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
