There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
