i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
