yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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