youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
